What Good am I
by oldandgray
Summary: After a night in the woods Emily must face her own worst enemy, herself.


**This was inspired by the song "What Good am I" by La Luz, and the story by "Say Something" by Fitcherella (she knows I borrowed from her idea.) She does a much better job of capturing the emotion of the scene, so once you struggle through this mess go read hers and see how it should be done.**

 **Music, not mine. Skins, not mine. Idea, not mine. That just leaves the spelling and grammatical errors to own up to.**

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I walked into my room and threw my stuff down on my bed. Katie turned and looked at me with a sneer; the one she reserved for boys from the lower forms that dared speak to her, and younger twin sisters.

"Where have you been?"

I didn't grace her with a verbal reply, just my own cold 'older-twin-be-gone' stare, the one that could send young children running from the room in tears.

She just looked at me for a moment. "Whatever… I'm out of here."

 _Wow it worked!_

As she exited the room she spoke without looking back, "You have leaves in your hair." The door latched closed and Katie was gone.

"Thanks for your concern." I flopped down into my bed shoving my stuff onto the floor. I reached over to the table next to my bed and retrieved my mp3 player hoping I could hide from my thoughts in some music.

The melodic re-verb filled strains of the surf-rock filled my ears. The tones suggested dark colors as the melody rolled over me like ocean waves at dusk. The song started as a slow trudging march through my thoughts and memories. As soon as I heard her voice I regretted turning the music on and having this be the first song to play.

 _ **I was only in a dream with you**_

I couldn't move to turn it off, trapped by the rhythm of the music and the hurt in her voice. The meaning in her words tore at my heart; wishing it was a dream. Wishing what had happened had been a dream. Okay not all, only part. It started so perfect. She called _me._ She wanted to do something with _me._ The pond was so lovely; she was so lovely. Even the cold water was alright, we warned and dried each other after the very short swim.

 _ **I was only in a dream with you**_

And then my dream became a night mare. She left me alone again! If it had been a dream Naomi would not have walked away. If it had been a dream I wouldn't be here in my bed alone starring at the ceiling, I would be holding her hand talking about something, anything. I wouldn't have had to ask her to stay only to watch her push her bike away. We would have left together.

 _ **But it was there that you could see what I always knew**_

Why did it take a dream for her to see? I could see what we could be. I could see my feelings, why couldn't she? I knew. I had known for years, since that kiss in the garden. Why couldn't she see? For a moment it was as if she was in my dream, and could see. She leaned over and kissed me. I thought my heart might stop from happiness. All through the kisses, the clothes coming off and the passion in the dark; it was as if we were both in my dream.

 _ **Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind  
Crawling off into the woods to die**_

That would have been so much easier than coming home. Pushing that oversized bike home, alone, gave me far too much time to think about what a fool I had been. To roll over and NOT find her on the blanket next to me. To see her pushing her bike away. That she wouldn't stop and admit that we had both been happy there by the fire. That together neither of us was lonely. I was in the woods; had I just stayed there I wouldn't have had to face Katie's sneer, or ever see Naomi at collage again. But then I would never see Naomi at collage again.

 _ **What good am I  
If I can't say what's on my mind**_

Why can't I tell her how I feel? I try. If I come out and say how I feel will I drive her way? Will she run from the words just as she runs from the bed? I look up at the posters above my bed, and then over at those hung by Katie. I would have to admit that I liked girls. And I would be forcing her to admit the same. Is that who and what I am? Can I say those words, not just to her, but to myself as well. But I do like girls... I do like, Naomi.

 _ **What good am I  
If I can't say what's on**_

I had my dream and it ended badly. This is the real world whatever that is. And she left me twice. She doesn't want me like I want her. She doesn't need me like I need her. She doesn't... love me like I love her.

 _ **Say what's on  
Say what's on my mind**_

I can't say the words to her. It's all I can do to say them to myself. She knows how I feel, how can she not after last night. I put my self out there. I let her kiss me and I made love to her. I'll go to school tomorrow. I'll face her, but she has to make to move. She has to want me.

If not, well, what good am I?

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 **Reviews?**


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